My sister and I were pregnant at the same time. I had Olivia on August the 3rd. After a very hard pregnancy and scary time afterward. We anticipated Cody's arrival very much! How exciting to have cousins so close together. I knew they would be wonderful friends.
Cody was due on January 1 but Krista was going to be induced on the 21st of December. Cody had other ideas and came on his own on the 18th. Weighing in at 10lbs 8oz. A big beautiful boy! I remember waiting to get the pictures and could hardly believe it! My little 8lb 3 oz baby looked so small in comparison!
We planned a trip home in February for my mom's birthday. We planned to go to the zoo and to get a family picture made. I had just recently bought a car and got my license after not driving for over 10 years. We made a stop in Charleston to visit my grandmother. I know surely now that God had His hand in all of this.
We had only been at my grandmother's house for about an hour when we got the call that would forever change our family. Cody had passed away. I can remember talking to my mom, I even remember talking to my sister and telling her over and over that I did not know what to say to her. I remember calling Harvey and not being able to get ahold of him. I remember dialing the phone to call my friends back home in NC. I needed people praying and supporting us because I did not know how I was going to make it through this. This was something that happened to other people. Not to us.
It was in the middle of all of this that I realized that in making the trip to Atlanta I was bringing a baby with me, Olivia. There was no way I could take her to my sister's house. My grandmother had just finished a round of chemo and as much as she wanted to go with me she just was not up to making the trip. So after much debate we decided it best for me to spend the night with my gran and then go to Atlanta the next day. I can tell you I had driven that trip many times in the days prior to all of this but it was the longest trip I have ever taken. I got lost, I felt like I was driving through quicksand when all I wanted to do was get to my sister so I could just hold her in my arms.
I finally arrived and went straight to my mother's house. I had to get the girls settled and wait for Harvey to get there so I could go alone to my sister. I did not want to take the girls, especially Olivia, to her house and inflict more pain on her. I called the house and Tony insisted that we come right then and I told him that until I heard it from my sister I would not bring Olivia there. The phone rang just a few minutes later and Krista told me to come. So I went dreading walking into the house with my precious baby and doing more damage than good.
I can remember getting to the house, and just getting to my sister. This is one of those things that until you are in the middle of it, you do not know how to act. I knew that people were praying for me. I knew I had to be strong for her and so I was. We hugged, we cried, I listened to her as she wept for her precious Cody. I managed to hold it together and was strong for her. All until I came downstairs and saw olivia playing happily on the floor with my BIL. Then I came unglued. How unfair was all of this? How would we survive this? Why did this happen???
Somehow we managed to get through the next few days, I remember standing with my mom and sister at a flower shop (A Daisy A Day in Snellville, and every time I drive by I think of that day) picking out a funeral spray for a tiny casket. I remember people calling and coming with food, I remember refusing to let Olivia be put in Cody's swing, I remember my dad coming for the funeral. I remember being at the funeral home thinking that this was all a bad dream that we would wake up from. I remember feeling horribly guilty. Guilty for having a baby that was still alive while my sister was laying hers to rest in a cemetery.
In the years that have followed there has been great sadness and great joy for our family. I walk a very thin line a lot of days when I look at my beautiful Olivia Grace and think of the things that Cody would be doing. Her first birthday was possible one of the hardest days of my life. Her first day of school. All of the milestones ya know? Or just some of the regular things like what would he look like, what would he be into, would he play sports or an instrument? I wonder if he would know how cool his Aunt Jenn is?
I have a lot of lessons that I learned along the way since that day in February that I am most thankful for. Among them, learning that friends who are there for you NO MATTER WHAT are a true blessing, family is so very important, and that God will carry you through no matter what. I still carry a verse that Cliff Easter gave me in those dark days (Romans 8:27) that even when I do not know what to pray that the Holy Spirit is there to intercede on my behalf, I have learned that God knows when I am angry and can handle it. There were many days that I would get in my car all by myself and just scream at God. He is big and He can handle my anger and sadness.
So every year on December 18th I get a little sad when I think about Cody's birthday, and I think about how AWESOME a nephew he would be, but I KNOW God has a plan and it is bigger than anything I can put together. I know that my sister aches on this day and all the days since Cody left us. And I thank God for letting us borrow Cody if even for a short time. In his short little life I know he changed ours forever. Happy Birthday Cody Wody! We love you and we miss you SO very much.
Love & Kisses,
Aunt Jenn
PS. Emma reminded me of something that I indeed must share. On our long trip to Atlanta I asked Emma what she thought Cody was doing in heaven with God that day. I was not prepared for her profound answer (she had just turned 6 in October, you know out of the mouthes of babes). Without missing a beat she said, "I think he is painting rainbows with God," so after I pulled myself together I thought how cool is that? We looked for rainbows at every turn, we never saw any until the day of Olivia's first birthday party. After her party we were going to take the kids to the movies and on the way there it got kind of nasty weather wise, so we came home and when we got out of the car there was a HUGE rainbow. It was my sign that Cody was with us and God was letting me know that it was okay. So now when ever we see a rainbow, I say hey Cody is sending us a rainbow!
