What I'd Give.

A friend of mine sent this to me last night! I got quite the kick out of seeing this fresh faced Jenn. I think this was taken the summer or so after we moved to Atlanta. This is in the apartment we lived in before we bought the house where my mom still lives. So that would be around 1981. What I'd give to tell that girl a thing or two...

I have not updated in a few days so I thought that I would do that for you all.

I got home on Christmas Eve. Got in a few minutes before I was scheduled too. It was an alright flight. I was one of the first to board. I had a flight mate that we will refer to as elbows from here on. Elbows was a skinny guy who was reading muscle magazine all the while managing to poke me in the side with his elbows...lovely. There was a lady diagonally behind me that was up and down several times (making me nervous for some reason and I am glad I was not flying on Christmas in light of what happened going to Detroit), the drink cart made it to me and the snacks did not. I think that had something to do with the turbulence. It was not as nice as my flight to Philly. I was glad to get home though!

The family greeted me at the baggage claim and much to John's chagrin and Harvey's liking my bag weighed 9 lbs less than when I left. I think John really hurt himself hauling my suitcase out of the car when I got there! I packed a box of all the non essential things like jeans, shoes and the like. UPS was picking that up today. Yeah only I left the jeans in my suitcase that do not fit!

Anyway we got home in time for me to go through the mail, and then realize we were almost out of toilet paper...welcome back to REALITY! Ran to Kroger and then met the family at church. We had Christmas Ever candlelight service and then Harvey and the girls took me to Chili's for dinner. I am really glad that I drove seperate. I was wiped out and they all wanted to go to Wal Mart to see if they could score me a new ipod. John spilled coffee on my old one when I was in NJ (about three days into my trip). If any of you truly know me, I LOVE music and my ipod is like an extension of me. Yeah I was pretty lost without it but John turned me onto this great website called www.lala.com so I was not totally without music. They were all sold out of ipods on Christmas Eve but I came home and went to bed.

Christmas was nice and quiet. That is a good thing! The girls got a Wii (Thank you to whomever left it in my office for them) and lots of other goodies from some special Santas. We are so blessed. Thanks to you all who took care of us. So the rest of the day was spent playing Wii and eating and napping! That is my favorite part!

The day after Christmas I decided to be BRAVE. I hate the mall (The girl in that picture used to LOVE the mall and could spend hours there). I needed to go to the Apple store. I needed a new ipod. Yeah I could have lived another day or twelve without it. LOL! I had to park at Nordstrom's and walk a lot. I sat in the car for about five minutes debating if I needed my cane or not. I opted to go without. I walked to the Apple store and then decided to be adventerous adn go to Bed Bath & Beyond because I had a GC...yeah I paid for that. I have to realize that while I can indeed walk without the cane, I should not over do it. I have to remember I am not superwoman.

So a lot of you have been asking me what all is going on so I am going to bring you up to speed. The doctor in NJ has given me a number for someone at Emory. We are still trying to determine who will be the best fit. Dr. T feels that I have been misdiagnosed so I will basically be starting over at square one as far as determining what it is I have and how to treat it. He just does not know what it is I have. I am a mystery-to quote him~ So after the first of the year we will get all of tha situated at Emory, I will have a bunch of tests, more bloodwork and an MRI to get the ball rolling. I'm feeling torn about all of this. I am excited that Dr. T thinks there is something totally different wrong with me and we have to figure it out, but I am frustrated about that all at the same time.

I am feeling a little out of sorts with being back. I am glad and sad all at the same time. I am trying to work through a lot of stuff. I am not going to post that on the blog unless I feel like you all need to know about it. Just pray for me as this will be a long process and some people might not understand it at all. Just know that I need to work on some stuff. For me, about me. I am not trying to be secretive or vague. I just need you all to pray as I am continuing on a journey of healing both mentally and physically.

I am walking without my cane as often as possible. I am still having a little difficulty but John worked me hard while I was gone. I am determined to keep up the hard work. I will have to say though I miss walking to the candy store!

I will be back to work tomorrow. It is the week before the new year so I will only be working til noon each day. That will be an easy way to transition back to that. I am looking forward to being there. I missed my people.

I miss my NJ people too. John, Alycia & Jack (and Mrs. Hulce, Gretchy, Ivy and YES EVEN Alfonse). It was fun playing in the snow, wrestling with, hanging out, eating and walking to the candy store. I appreciate everything you all did for me while I was there. I will come visit again soon!

Love, Jenn

I'll be home for Christmas...

Eve! Yes just in the nick of time!

After my flight was cancelled on Friday night and two feet of snow fell I was not sure when I would be able to get out of here. So yesterday morning first thing I started to call Delta to rebook my flight home.

I spent an hour solid listening to the busy signal (apparently everyone else was trying to rebook too...who knew?!) decided to try again later...more busy signal, got through once and got cut off just as I got a person. So between football games and dinner I had the phone attaced at the ear and my redial finger was just about stiff...

At 11:05 last night I FINALLY got through to the lovely Elizabeth at Delta, only to be told each day that I asked for (Mon-Wed) had NO flights to ATL. I was practically in tears as I asked her to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE find me a flight for Thursday. I was in luck and just as we started to book my flight I got cut off again. I was in tears at that point.

It took another hour of trying to get through to finally get to a person and thankfully I had some more information and managed to book a flight for Thursday at 11:32am that will land in Atlanta at 2:03pm. I will be home for Christmas Eve services and I am so excited about that! I am looking forward to seeing everyone. I am most excited about seeing my family and being together.

So that is the big news from me for today. Pray for good weather and a safe flight.

Love, Jenn

Jiggy gone...

caneless! Yes you read that right!

I got up this morning and for the first time in a long time my legs have felt pretty good. I still have pain in them but today they felt stronger than they have in a long time. So...

Alycia and Jack and I were going to take a trip to Wal Mart. I needed to pick up a few things (including a gift for Alycia as her birthday is tomorrow) and we just wanted to get out of the house for a bit.

So as we were gathering our stuff to go to Wal Mart I thought to myself, I am going to try to do this without my cane. I know that sounds totally crazy as I have been using it for almost a year and half...but I thought well, Alycia could help me and I was going to be holding onto a buggy so it should not be too bad.

When we got to WM, we got a pretty close parking spot but I still had to walk from the car to the WM. I was a little unsteady but I managed to get to where the buggy's were. I was impressed with myself! :)

I walked the WM and held onto the buggy. Jack would not let me push him in the buggy so Alycia had a seperate buggy. We had a nice lunch at Subway and Jack was so good at the Wal Mart.

I got back to the car, managed to walk to the car, then onto the cart corral and back to the car. I know it does not seem like much but to me it was HUGE. I have not been without the cane in so long it has become like a part of me and while I am not running marathons yet it felt good to walk without it...my legs are killing me at the moment but as I get stronger it will be easier. Who knows maybe this time next year I WILL be running marathons...

So how is that for some good news?

Love, Jenn

To jump or not to jump...

that is the question...

Once when I was a kid we were at a public pool and there were these diving boards, I was good with the low one. We had one of those at home, I was comfortable there. Then there was one a little higher. No way I was going on that one. I am afraid of heights...always have been. Going back and forth to Philly has been fun as we have had to go over the bridge every time and I freak out EVERY time...I hate it!

So anyway, back to the diving board. Then there was this REALLY high diving board. My dad forced me to go up the ladder and wanted me to jump. I was freaking out...did I mention that I am afraid of heights? Well, by this time there was a line of kids behind me yelling at me to jump and I was standing on the edge of the board shivering and shaking. I then decided I could not jump so I turned around and made about 20 kids move so I could climb down the ladder and go back to my comfortable low diving board. My dad was pretty disappointed that I chickened out.

Well, today I am that same scared little girl, only I am standing at the edge of the diving board shivering and shaking and realizing that I CANNOT climb back down that ladder and go back to the comfortable. I am scared to death to jump. Afraid that I am going to belly flop and break my neck. But then as I stand there shivering and shaking I realize that if I jump and do what I need to do to make that perfect entrance into the water The judges will give me a perfect ten and it could be the most beautiful thing I have ever done in my life and when I surface even though it may be an unfamilar place that I am in it will be a new and beautiful place for me. Somewhere I have meant to be all along and just was to scared to get there.

I am working through a lot of stuff that has been weighing me down for a long time. John has given me lots of hard work to do and I am doing it. Today I realized that my besetting sin is not unforgiveness as I had originally thought but it is fear. I wrote down FIVE pages of things that I am afraid of. I don't think I am done yet. As I work through all of that I am in a very vunerable, scary place. Not planning my demise, not running away, not anything bad, just a very hard place for me to be. To be humbled by what I am facing and knowing that this may take a long time to get through. I did not get here overnight as John told me today and I will not get out of this place overnight either.

I covet your prayers and understanding. I am hopefully coming home on Saturday but I will not be the same Jiggy that flew away but hopefully on my way to a more beautiful and healthier Jenn who will be strong and courageous and not filled with fear.

Love, Jenn

Blah Blah Blah

Could describe what I have to say or my current mood, take your pick.

So on Thursday I was supposed to get a spinal tap...yeah that did not go at all as planned. Our insurance company has decided they are not covering anything here. So I will be responsible for two office visits, my EMG and whatever they decide they will not cover of my bloodwork although they sent me to the place I had to have it since they would not do it at the hospital.

We are appealing, we are begging, we are fighting to see what we can do here. If we can do nothing here I will be coming home with a referral to Emory where we can run the tests at home and see what happens from there.

In the meantime, I am in HORRIBLE pain, I am not sure if it is the weather or all the exercise or a combination but whatever it is it HURTS. It took me over an hour to get out of bed this morning and I am moving at a snails pace. I took a shower thinking that might help, not so much.

I am trying hard to be positive today. I am trying hard not to think of all the things I am missing at home, I am trying hard to focus on the now but the now is really discouraging.

So yeah blah, blah, blah...

Love, Jenn

City Sidewalks...

Yeah this is SO not about the Christmas song. This is about the city sidewalks I have been walking.

Today we got to the hospital (where they told us to go for my bloodwork) and they did not have me in their system...yay! What a way to start the day...we left the house at 6:30 so we could get to the lab at 7 when they opened. at 7:40 after going back and forth to the lab and the admissions desk the admissions man said I could not have my bloodwork done there. I would have to go to another lab because of my insurance. He says the good news is that the lab is nearby just a couple of blocks away...yeah his idea of a couple of blocks and mine are WAY different. You all would be totally impressed with the amount of walking I have been doing. Dr. T told John that I needed some exercise...well the doc can rest assured that I am getting the exercise.

So this morning it was rainy and windy. We decided since it was so "close" we would just go ahead and walk since we had parking already. FIVE, yes FIVE blocks later we were where we were supposed to be. I got my blood drawn around 8:30 and made it back to the car around 9:45...just saying I walk slow...it's all I got right now. I have learned that traffic in Philly does not yield to pink caned ladies, you have to watch what you are doing when you carry an umbrella, the sidewalk is terribly uneven and it is hard to do all of that while watching where you walk. Thankfully John is pretty patient when I walk and makes sure to look out for all that stuff. He also carries my purse for me so that no one steals it...he is good that way! Always looking out for me, much as he did when we kids.

So after walking five blocks to get to the lab we had to walk six back to the car...you do the math...I walk ELEVEN blocks today. Yeah, I needed a long nap to recover.

I got my bloodwork done but the insurance company is giving us an issue about pre certifying my procedures...pray that when I call in the morning they will tell me what I want to hear and that I can indeed have my procedures. I am tired and frustrated with all of that. I just want to get all of this stuff done. I want to be home with my family...Olivia cries EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I talk to her and I do not know how much more of that I can take...

So say a prayer or two for me...specifically about the insurance stuff.

Love, Jenn

PS I walked about 200 yards yesterday outside without my cane...aren't you impressed??? I was! LOL! I have not done that in a very long time and I was a little shaky but before long I will be walking way further than that! :)

This is Spinal Tap...

Haha! I have always wanted to say that.

Anyway. The doctor's office just called. They have me scheduled for labs tomorrow morning at 7am and my spinal tap at noon on Thursday.

Did I ever tell you how much I HATE needles??? Seriously like HATE them. An insulin dependant dabetic who gives herself a shot every single night HATES needles. Like with a passion.

So what does all this mean? This all means that I will be here at least through the weekend. I am still waiting on the MRI to be scheduled and cannot go back for my big lab work until Monday. We will have to see Dr. T after all of that so we are shooting for having me home for Christmas.

I have not done one thing for Christmas so that should be fun. NOT! Seriously, not one gift bought not one thing done. Maybe we will cancel Christmas until after the first of the year.

I hate to keep asking you to pray but that is what I need right now. More than you could know.

Love, Jenn

Really honest

This sucks. There it's out there. While I am enjoying the relaxing and all that John and Alycia have done for me I am really having a rough time of it today.

Chris has hooked me up with a friend of hers and her and her husband have a Christian fellowship not far from where I am. They have invited me to come and worship with them. I really wanted to go, but when John woke me up this morning I decided I was not ready to go somewhere where I do not know any one and put on my happy face. I just could NOT do it this morning. I really wanted to.

The girls called me this morning before church. I missed getting up this morning and being at church. I usually get there about 7:15 and do soundcheck which is always a lot of fun...I miss hanging out with the guys in the booth making jokes and making sure that everything goes smoothly for the services. I miss being in my office in between and I am really missing singing with the choir this morning. It is 10:08 and I know that you all have sung already and what you sang and how great it sounded. I am missing...

Olivia was crying before I got off the phone, I was crying before I got off the phone. I am a wreck...this is really hard. I know that God has promised to not leave me nor forsake me. I KNOW that with all my heart...but this is SO hard and I am trying really hard. Today is just not the day for my fake it til you make it smile...this is really honest.

Love, Jenn

Fuzzy pants, warm blankets, college football and SNOW!

Well, this could well be the best day ever except for the fact that I am in a funk. I am not sure why but I am. I am missing my family, I am missing The Journey and I am just missing.

John says I am doing good...with the whole being thing although it is such a challenge for me. I feel like I am in the way, or taking up too much time. You know the old saying about fish and guests...well, I have been here 6 days already! John and Alycia have been so gracious and Jack is really starting to warm up to me. He was wrestling with me this morning and even though it really hurt me it was really fun. He has really been a lot of fun.

So today I did not get out of my jammies, have not fixed my hair, I did brush my teeth...that would just be gross if I did not! I have planted myself on the couch with my fuzzy pink blanket (Thanks Becca!) and watched all kinds of college football (GO TECH!) and had a fabulous three bean chili that John cooked for dinner, three bean chili, fresh collards with italian dressing and it was delish! I am trying hard to do this macro thing and so far so good. I had a delish salmon the other night and I am eating lots of brown rice I actually like it and it is good for me so that is the important thing. I am trying to help where and when I can. I just finished cleaning up the kitchen even though John told me not too...He went to take a nap so I did it anyway. I am really not cut out to be a lazy or still person I am convinced.

I keep hearing how great the kids are doing at Journey. I am so so sad that I am not there to walk through and see the city. I know that everyone has worked so hard to pull it all off and it is the kick off to the Christmas season for me. I am feeling really removed from the whole Christmas season at the moment. I am feeling pretty removed and lonely at the moment. I am not sure what I will do tomorrow morning when I have no FBCL to go to. I miss my choir and I miss my church family. Just keep praying for me.

Love, Jenn

Nothing to see here...

Hey there! There is no news to report today. Yet I feel the need to blog about it.

We have not heard from the doctors office so we wait. Do you know how bad I am at waiting??? Yeah I so suck at that! You just have no idea.

Last night I sat out by the fire for HOURS. Seriously, hours. I have not sat anywhere for any length of time in about 10 years. I mean seriously, I had to really reach back to figure out when that happened last. I sat and did NOTHING for hours. I was not worrying about who needed what. I was just sitting. just being. How amazing is that? You all should be impressed.

So yeah not a whole lot to report on, but wanted to let you all know I am missing you all terribly, especially the Journey...it just seems NOT RIGHT that I am here and you all are there. I thank you all once again for the prayers, meals for my family and cards. I appreciate you all so very much and love you even more!

Love, Jenn

In the midst...

of all of this stuff that is going on I am having a blast with Jack! He is so cute, and so smart! Here is Jack and I after his AWESOME pot and pan drum show! Jack ROCKS!

I would love to have about a third of his energy! He is so much fun to hang out with and he has such a great imagination. I am just really having fun with this boy! I miss my kids, but Jack has been reminding me what it is like to have a little kid around again. I have been watching lots of shows that my kids watched like Little Bear and some new shows I have never heard of like Yo Gabba Gabba...who knew? He has made me realize that kids are a lot of fun to hang out with! So thanks Jack!

Love, Jenn

Well...not the news I really wanted to hear, but...

So the nerve conduction test was awful...as it always is. I have to say John did a great job of distracting me and hand holding during the needle part...I did not get a sticker so THAT was disappointing. We have some good news and some not so good news.

The not so good is that they do not know what is going on with me and I am going to have to go for some more testing. He discovered today that the nerve on the outside of my leg is not working which is a huge problem and that the nerve on the inside of my arm from my elbow to my wrist is also an issue, but we knew that going in. It has been having issues all along.

He is not convinced I have CIDP but he does not know what the problem is hence more testing. I will have to have an MRI on my leg and then I will also have to have a spinal tap...that just flat out sucks. I did not expect that and I am not excited about it AT ALL. I will also have to wait ten days and do some MAJOR bloodwork. He can't do it now because the nerve conduction will skew the results. So I am here for at least ten more days and Ron says that is plenty of time to get back in time for our Rejoice! LOL!

The sheet for the bloodwork has FIFTEEN things marked off on it and one of them takes a month to get the results back because it has to go to Boston. It is called a SMP-Sensory Motor Panel. So we are waiting to hear from Tessa at Dr. T's office to set up the MRI and Spinal Tap and then we will have to wait on the bloodwork stuff. So we are looking at at least tem more days of me being gone. We will go from there after the bloodwork.

I am trying to process through all of this but I feel like I am back at square one with all the testing and not knowing. I think he is looking for something pretty serious, or at least that is what I am thinking after listening to him today. He said I am mystery. He is just not sure and wants to figure it out. I am thankful for that.

So I guess the good news is that Dr. T is willing to try to figure me out and in the meantime I get to hang out with some fun folks. Jack and Alycia have not been feeling good so that has been the reason I have not taken any pictures. When Jack is feeling better I will get the camera out and go to town!

I appreciate you all so much. For the love, support & prayers. They mean so very much to me. Keep them up!

Love, Jenn