To jump or not to jump...

that is the question...

Once when I was a kid we were at a public pool and there were these diving boards, I was good with the low one. We had one of those at home, I was comfortable there. Then there was one a little higher. No way I was going on that one. I am afraid of heights...always have been. Going back and forth to Philly has been fun as we have had to go over the bridge every time and I freak out EVERY time...I hate it!

So anyway, back to the diving board. Then there was this REALLY high diving board. My dad forced me to go up the ladder and wanted me to jump. I was freaking out...did I mention that I am afraid of heights? Well, by this time there was a line of kids behind me yelling at me to jump and I was standing on the edge of the board shivering and shaking. I then decided I could not jump so I turned around and made about 20 kids move so I could climb down the ladder and go back to my comfortable low diving board. My dad was pretty disappointed that I chickened out.

Well, today I am that same scared little girl, only I am standing at the edge of the diving board shivering and shaking and realizing that I CANNOT climb back down that ladder and go back to the comfortable. I am scared to death to jump. Afraid that I am going to belly flop and break my neck. But then as I stand there shivering and shaking I realize that if I jump and do what I need to do to make that perfect entrance into the water The judges will give me a perfect ten and it could be the most beautiful thing I have ever done in my life and when I surface even though it may be an unfamilar place that I am in it will be a new and beautiful place for me. Somewhere I have meant to be all along and just was to scared to get there.

I am working through a lot of stuff that has been weighing me down for a long time. John has given me lots of hard work to do and I am doing it. Today I realized that my besetting sin is not unforgiveness as I had originally thought but it is fear. I wrote down FIVE pages of things that I am afraid of. I don't think I am done yet. As I work through all of that I am in a very vunerable, scary place. Not planning my demise, not running away, not anything bad, just a very hard place for me to be. To be humbled by what I am facing and knowing that this may take a long time to get through. I did not get here overnight as John told me today and I will not get out of this place overnight either.

I covet your prayers and understanding. I am hopefully coming home on Saturday but I will not be the same Jiggy that flew away but hopefully on my way to a more beautiful and healthier Jenn who will be strong and courageous and not filled with fear.

Love, Jenn